Untitled

I got Jeffersons at about 9 in the morning, I walked there from the subway in a daze. By then I had already been in shock for two days, and several times I had stomp the desire to scream as I walked down the street. Just stop and scream until there was nothing left of me.

I had gotten to his place before he got back from dropping off his kids. I stripped down to my underwear, and went into the bathroom to tend to my ministrations. I came back into the living room, and settled on the couch, and began reading my book. Periodically I would lean my head back against the couch cushions. I couldn't breath, I couldn't think, I was just overwhelmed.

I was rocking back and forth trying to calm myself. When Jefferson opened the door, I stopped, desperately trying to hide my panic. "Hey, how are you doing?" He asked, closing the door behind him. "I'm good," I croaked. "How are you?"

"I'm alright, you don't look so good though, you sure you're okay?" He asked, taking off his shoes. "My ex is dead," I said bluntly. I've never been good at being subtle. "Oh my god," he snapped to attention, sweeping into the kitchen to deposit his coffee cup on the counter, and coming back into the living room, he placed his book on the table and took off his coat. He came over and settled down next to me on the couch. He wrapped his arms around me. I numbly relayed the information.

"I got a phone call from a friend of mine on Tuesday, she and I share him as an ex. Apparently his mother had e-mailed her, telling her that he had died in a boating accident. The boat had capsized and caught him underneath, and he drowned. They didn't find his body until the next day. This happened about a month ago." I snuggled closer to him, taking comfort in his presence. "This was the bad ex," I murmured into his neck.

"I feel horrible," I moaned. "I want so desperately to be able to say good things about him. I want to tell loving stories of tender moments. But I would be lying if I did that, and I don't lie. This man raped me, he took away my right to consent, to safe words, to respect. I want so badly to say good things about him, but I can't do that. And I feel horrible. A man is dead, and I have nothing good to say about him. And what's worse is that I'm relieved. I am relieved that this man will never be able to hurt anyone else again."

"You're not a horrible person. You're honest, if you said anything different it would be a lie. Sure things started out alright in the beginning, but that changed. It's okay to feel the way you are feeling. And you're right, he will never be able to hurt you or anyone else again. You shouldn't feel as if you have eulogize him, it's okay to feel what you are feeling," Jefferson soothed.

"I am a deeply religious woman," I went on. "And part of what I believe in is karmic debt. That we have to pay for our sins, not to the people that we hurt, but to the universe. That's why I never sought revenge, never tried to do anything about what he did. Because I believed that the universe would take care of me. I know that I'm not the only person that he hurt, that man had a consistent pattern of abuse. But death? Was his debt really that great? How many people did he owe? How many people weighted the scale? And why?"

We sat there in silence for a long time, snuggled up on the couch. I groped desperately for a topic. "I got an internship," I said with an abrupt change of subject. I could feel Jefferson attempting to make the same mental leap I had just made. "Yeah," I acknowledged his confusion. "I'm good at changing the topic." "That's great, where's it at?" He asked. I told him about it, and after a few minutes we lapsed back into silence.

"Am I a horrible person?" I asked quietly, tears choking me. "No baby, you're not a horrible person at all," he said softly.

We sat there in silence for a few more moments, and I leaned my head back to look at him. He kissed me gently on the mouth, our tongues exploring one anothers mouths. I tugged ineffectively at his shirt. "Let's level the playing field," I said, attempting to get back onto solid ground. He pulled me into the bedroom, stripping off his clothes before wrapping his arms around me while he kissed me. He fumbled with my bra and managed to get it off after a moment. He took a step back and bent over to examine my panties. "Well Hello Kitty," he said, commenting on my pink 'hello kitty' underwear before slipping them off onto the floor.

We cuddled under the blanket, holding each other tightly, murmuring to one another for a while. I slowly switched gears, pushing the conflicting emotions aside, and allowing myself to enjoy Jefferson's company and our morning together.

After a while Jefferson started to idlly play with one of my breasts. "You can be such a tease, you know that?" I muttered. "Yeah?" He breathed. "Tell me about that." His touches became feather light and I squirmed as his hand played over my breasts, looping around my nipples and travelling down to carress my inner thighs before settling to gently knead my clit with his fingertips. I gasped as he drew my arm up above my head, and caught my foot under his leg.

I gasped and moaned, working myself towards my orgasm. My breathing hitched and I came quietly, jerking a little against his hand. He started to massage my labia, pressing his hand up inside of me. He began rubbing his whole hand against my vagina, and I could feel his hand pressing up against the bone. It hurt, but it felt good too.

He pulled his hand out and grabbed my ankle and pulled it over so that he was positioned between my legs. He pulled out a condom and we fucked quietly for a while until he rolled off of me and cuddled up next to me. We napped, curled up against each other. I must have fallen asleep at some point, but not for long.

After a while I leaned down and took his cock in my mouth. I pressed my fingers into his perineum and he moaned. I leaned back. "I wanna finger your ass while I'm going down on you, is that alright?" I asked quietly. He nodded, and we put some lube on my hand and I wiped it over two of my fingers. I gently played with his ass, slipping one finger in, taking my time. Eventually I slid another finger into his ass. He was incredibly tight, and I couldn't move my fingers very easily, but I managed. I slurped his cock into my mouth and sucked on him, my other hand alternated between playing with his balls and perineum. "God this is hot," I said. "I am fucking you so hard when I'm done down here."

I moved my hand back and forth in his ass gently. I quietly monitered his face, checking in on him from time to time. Eventually he asked me to stop, and I pulled my hand out, but kept going down on him for a few minutes more.

Eventually I stopped and leaned forward, kissing him on the mouth. "You have that 'i wanna fuck' look on your face," he said. I smiled widely and leaned over to his nightstand. Taking out a condom, I put it on him and mounted him. Some didn't feel quite right with it, but I started moving anyway. After a few minutes, I realized what was wrong. "Say something," I breathed. He was silent for a few moments, and I wondered if he had heard me. "Talk to me, if you talk to me this will get a whole lot better for both of us," I explained quietly.

So he talked.

He began slowly, weaving a quiet tale. Driving out to the woods, going for a hike. Making me strip down naked and walk out ahead of him, barefoot. How he would beat me with his walking stick if I were to slow down. Periodically making me stop so that I would suck his cock while it was so deep in my throat I couldn't breath.

My cunt tightened like a vice and I had a lake between my thighs as I rode him. I fucked him deep and long and hard. I fucked him in a way I hadn't fucked anyone in a very long time, with my whole body. My breasts were pressed flat against his chest, and all I was aware of was his cock sheathed between my thighs, his stubble against my cheek, and the sound of his voice.

He told me how he would fuck me, while I laid in the dirt, until he came, and then he would pee on me and make me get up and keep walking. How when people came along he would make me hide in a sticker bush and wait until they were gone, to keep quiet about my cuts and stratches.

It went on and on and I did not want it to stop. I wanted more. Hell, I'm turned on just thinking about it. When I stopped, I rolled onto my back and he rolled on top of me, putting his cock in my pussy he began fucking me. We breathed heavily into eachothers necks while we fucked. Eventually he gasped out that he was going to come. "Okay baby, come," I murmured, and he quaked. After he came, I smiled and smoothed his hair.

We snuggled up afterwards. Holding each other close for a few minutes until we roused ourselves enough to for him to eat some lunch and for us to get dressed and head on out together; me off to my bus, him off to get his kids.

It was a good date, for reasons beyond the obvious. It was good because for the first time since I got the news about my ex, I was able to say what I needed to say. I had spent two days trying to find the words I needed, and I finally found them. Jefferson wasn't the first person to tell me what he did, but it was the first time I finally heard what was being said to me.

As for my ex, all I can say is that I loved him until I couldn't. I wish I could say more than that, but I can't. I hope I can be forgiven for that.

Sorry

Sorry I haven't been around much, I've been busy trying to get an internship and taking care of a few loose ends. But I am working on a doozey of a post, so please bear with me.

In the meantime, here, listen to this:

This song does things to me.

Song title: Manowar - Master of the Winds

AMV: Haibane Renmei - created by Abe Yoshitoshi

My List

I keep a list of things that I want to do in my sex and play life that I have never done before:

-Pain orgasm

-G-spot orgasm

-Incest scene - with a consenting someone my age or older who isn't an actual familial relation; but I didn't need to tell you that, did I?

-Double Penetration

-Sex in the back seat of someones car

I have been obsessed with the last one on that list since I graduated high school. No joke. Maybe it's a Jersey Girl thing, but I can't shake the itch. I have the option of nice comfy beds, and I want to haul myself into the back of a car. But I gotta admit, there's just something about the feeling of upholstry on my bare ass and the awkward struggle of getting the condom on and slipping inside of me that's just so high school.

For my birthday Jefferson and I were going to go to the nude beach and then find a parking lot to have sex in. He was going to indulge my fantasy in the back of his car. But we got rained out and had to go back to the City. So I never got to do it.

Back before I took a break from dating, I was seeing this guy. He had a car. I almost fucked him in his car. But he had been trying to get into my pants since the beginning of 'Black Snake Moan' that evening (that reminds me, I also want to be chained to radiator, do a total mindfuck scene, let's add that to the list too) and I was feeling taken advantage of. He insisted on paying for food and stuff, even though he knew I wasn't looking for anything serious, and then expected me to put out.I would have paid for myself had he let me. The whole thing made me very uncomfortable, and I got out of there as fast I could.

So I never got to fuck in a car.

I gave head once in a car in this one spot near my town, but everyone gives head in their car up there. It's like a requirement or something. Come to think of it, I also gave head on an express train to Dover NJ once. Go figure.

But I never fucked anyone in a car. So I sit, grumbling about the cold, because that means that I have to wait even longer to try and pull this off.

One of these days I'll do it. One of these days I'll scratch the itch.

Until then I have all my other delightful indoor activities to work on accomplishing. Some people knit in the winter, I try to get cherries taken.

Pookie

Authors note: I am going to tell the events of Friday night as I remember them. All acts written here-in were completely consensual for both parties involved. This is tale of how I lost a cherry. Enjoy!

The orgy-goers and myself drove out to Brooklyn from Manhattan. I hung out with Jefferson, and periodically wandered off, fondling Wendy and some other friends that were there as well. I settled into a chair, and began talking with Boymeat and a friend of his, we laughed and joked until he declared that he was going to beat me.

We wandered into one of the back rooms, and I stripped off my clothes, we began making out, and he grabbed and pulled at my nipples. I moaned into his neck, pressing myself against him. He pushed me back onto the bed, murmuring to me before burying his face between my thighs. I gave myself up to it, moaning as his tongue washed my clit. He rose to his feet, and said something, I don't know what, all I knew was that I wanted to get into get into his pants. I buried my face in his crotch until he moaned. After a while he buttoned his pants, and we talked about what we wanted to do, and decided to go with the single tail.

We wandered around, looking for a space to do it in. We found ourselves in the main room, and up in one corner was a platform that you could climb up into. We climbed up, and I knelt on the couch while he began working over my back. I can't describe to you what a single tail feels like, I just can't, what I can tell you is that I liked it. I liked it alot. I did not always feel this way about single tails, I never knew until last night whether or not I liked them. Well, I certainly reached my conclusion, didn't I?

Boymeat was whipping my back and I panted and moaned and hugged the wall. He would stop periodically to check up on me, grabbing my hair and pulling my head back, murmuring into my ear. At some point my head snapped forward and I whacked my chin into the wall and we started laughing. At one such interlude he made me stand up with my back against the wall.

We started talking, I don't remember exactly how it came to this, but he said "I wanna cut you, but if I do that then I won't be able to use the whip again until I clean it. But who else am I going to single tail tonight?" "Oh, I'm not sure if I can do that," I said quietly. "Oh, I know you can do it," he said. "Turn around." So I turned around and he laid into my back. I gasped and cursed quietly, my nails dug into the wall until I felt him at my back. "Have you named the wall yet?" He had asked, toying with the hair at the nape of my neck. "Pookie," I breathed, and he started laughing.

Soon after we moved downstairs in search of a space where he could properly swing his whip in a way that he wanted. After some searching, we settled into a large hall, and I hugged the wall while the whip bit into my back. I cursed and gasped but took it. I don't know how much time passed before he came up behind me. "You're bleeding," he said, tapping his finger against my back and rubbing two of his fingers together. He counted the cuts. "You've got 6 cuts here," he said.

He led me back into the main sitting area and cuddled up with me on one of the sofas. I sat there, grinning widely and eventually I started laughing and slapping my thigh, everything seemed incredibly funny. "Do you want to thank me?" He asked, gazing steadily at me. I nodded mutely as he unbuttoned his pants. I buried my face back in his crotch for the second time that night.

Later on that night, when we arrived back at Jefferson's, Desire, Jefferson, and myself all went wearily into the building. When we got into his apartment, Jefferson tugged me into his bed; giving me a t-shirt to wear so that I wouldn't get blood on his sheets.

It took me a long time to find a position that I was comfortable enough to fall asleep in, but when I finally did fall asleep, I slept with a smile on my face.

Yeah, it was an awesome night.

The hitachi and the hair

Or: The fable Aesop forgot to mention.

I don't like being told to get myself off in front of people. It makes me nervous in the worst way. It makes me nervous because somewhere along the line I stopped being able to get myself off without props. Which is why I bought a hitachi. Periodically I bring it out, plug it in, and go to town. Some people swear by the attachments, but I find them to just frustrate me further. But still, I have alot of trouble getting myself off, it just doesn't always happen for me.

You see a back in January I was out and I mentioned the way that I like to play in a passing conversation, and the person I was talking to gave me this look. And that look stopped me short. I became very self concious, I began showering in the dark, I did not want to have sex with anyone, and I stopped being able to get myself off. It probably didn't help that I no longer wanted to try. It bothered me that I would be percieved in a negative way. After all, who is anyone to tell me how and with whom to play, least of all someone who barely knows me. It angered me, but it also hit a very sensitive nerve. And because of that my sex drive shut down. I became another woman who was unable to have an orgasm, and that had never happened to me before. I hated that it had happened to me. I grew ashamed of my breasts and the flat stomach that I had once been so proud of. My thighs were disgusting to me. So I started dressing conservatively and ignored my body to the best of my ability.

But then valentines day came around, and I detest valentines day, I detest it with an incredible passion. It would be another day that I would be completely alone. I never understood why no one adopted the Greek tradition of a mass orgies for valentines day. I would love to have meaningless sex on valentines day. Lots and lots of it. But, in the absense of a mass orgy, I bought a hitachi.

I had a lovely valentines day, thank you very much.

I'm sure it will come as a surprise to some of you that even that stopped working for me for a while. It too joined the myriad of sex toys collecting dust in my bottom dresser drawer.

But then one night, on the verge of my period and the absense of a date, I decided to have a go at myself. Why not? In the preceding months I had regained my comfort with my body, and began rejoicing in the pleasure that others could give me, even if I could not count myself among their numbers. So I plugged in my hitachi, but no matter how hard I tried, I could only ride the edge, never quite slipping into that sweet release. This frustrated me to no end.

So I tried straddling it. Two pillows later and a great deal of patience, I managed to get myself off. Again and again and again, and I rode it out like a cowgirl on the back of a bull, my breasts bouncing up and down and my hair, my incredible hair that has always made me feel so sexy, bounced heavily on my shoulders, and I felt like walking sex, or rather cumming sex, as it were. I felt gloriously wonderously lush. I love cumming when I'm on top, but usually it's not feasible with another person, not with the way I'm known to cum. But damn. When you feel incredibly sexy while you are loving yourself, there is nothing quite like it.

Moral of the story? Honestly I can't think of a moral for this story.