This is how it started

And then snowballed.

I was 5 years old. I didn't have very many friends growing up, in fact I was pretty much a loner up until high school. I had one or two friends, but I didn't meet them until the first or second grade. Anyway, in my elementary school when I first started there wasn't a cafeteria, that was installed later on, when I was about 8 or 9. So we had these portables where the food was served. They were placed with their backs to the fence about five or six feet away in the school yard. I remember going back behind the portables and playing by myself. Secretly I wanted someone to come back there, one of the bigger kids and do something horrible to me. I didn't know what, and they weren't particularly sexual thoughts, but I thrilled at them all the same.

I desperately wanted someone to do something horrible to me behind those portables, and in a way, I'm still waiting for the older kid to come and do those horrible things to my Little self behind those make-shift buildings.

There's a little more to the story, like how I thrilled at being the robber when we played 'cops and robbers' in the wintertime (which is when we played it). I loved getting caught being forced to relinquish control, pretending to get shot and then "dying" in a snow bank. And then when I was 14 and Jaqueline Carey came out with her Kushiel books (my first intro to S&M) and me thinking about how hot it was. The puzzle pieces slowly clicked into place about my masochism that summer. The rest came later, the following summer when I was 15 and got tied up for the first time. So that's my little story, a quick little post, just because I can.