Disgust

I received this in an e-mail recently, in a dummy account I keep for kinky mailing lists and things like that. Keep in mind I never heard from this person before this showed up in my inbox. He was a complete stranger until he was brought to my attention. I copied and pasted it, it is completely unedited, down to the caps:

MY NAME IS THE PAIN DOCTOR.MY MAIN SPECIALTY IS INFLICTING PAIN BY GIVING CRUEL AND UNUSUAL CORPORAL PUNISHMENTS...MY TECHNIQUES AND METHODS ARE QUESTIONABLE BY SOME,BUT PROVED TO BE VERY PAINFUL AND EFFECTIVE...I AM VERY STRICT AND DO NOT TOLERATE MISBEHAVE DISOBEDIENT SLAVES...YOU MUST OBEY TO EACH AND EVERY ORDER - NO QUESTIONS ASKED OR YOU WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES = AGONY ORDEAL... I DO NOT GIVE ANY "WARM UP" AND GO DIRECTLY TO DO WHAT I DO BEST:TRAINING DISOBEDIENT AND DISRESPECTFUL SLAVES.YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT REAL PAIN IS - UNTIL YOU HAVE MET THE PAIN EXPERT... I HAVE MY OWN TORTURE TECHNIQUES, AND WHO EVER FELT IT,COMPLAINT THAT THEY ARE TOO EXTREME,TOO SEVERE...THE WORDS:MERCY,TOO SEVERE,I NEED A WARM UP,I CAN'T TAKE IT AND SO - DO NOT EXIST IN MY VOCABULARY... I WILL TORTURE YOU AND MAKE YOU SCREAM,BEG FOR MERCY,BEG FOR ME TO STOP AND CRY,CRY,AND CRY...I WILL START THE TRAINING BY SECURELY TYING YOU UP IN UNCOMFORTABLE POSITIONS AND END THE "SESSION"BY PUTTING SALT AND ALCOHOL ON YOUR COLORFUL MARKS, WELTS AND BRUISES... YOU WILL NEED TO USE A VERY SOFT PILLOW TO SIT DOWN... IT IS UNNECESSARY TO MENTION THAT YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO TOUCH AND RUB IT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.... REMEMBER : YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU NEED TO BE SEVERELY PUNISHED,TRAINED AND DISCIPLINED - YOU MUST NOT ENJOY IT.YOU ARE HERE TO SUFFER,TO FEEL UNCOMFORT,EXTREME PAIN AND AGONY,TO SCREAM, TO CRY, AND BEG FOR MERCY...AND I WILL NOT FEEL SORRY FOR YOU !!!I HAVE MORE THAN 15 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE AS WELL AS ALL THE TOOLS NEEDED FOR ATTITUTE CORRECTIONS.

THE PAIN DOCTOR

Now, I don't think I need to tell you how angry and upset this made me. Why on earth would anyone say these things to me? I reported him to the mailing list, saying that he was threatening me, and was probably threatening others as well. Unfortunately I don't have the e-mail that I sent him in response. But I basically responded by telling him that he was threatening me, and basically telling me that he wanted to assault and abuse me and that he was a shameful predatory woman hater and it was people like him who gave the scene a bad reputation. And I then I shamed him several times.

This is not the way to get my attention. No, I'm sorry, that's wrong, this is a very very good way to get my attention. But the problem with getting my attention in this regard is that I will come down on your head like a safe dropped from a window several stories up, and the end result generally isn't that pretty.

I asked Terra if she thought I was overreacting, but I felt absolutely flabbergasted that anyone would write this to anyone else, let alone a complete stranger. I sat there agape, like a fish when I first read it, the second and third time proved to change little in my behavior. When I read the e-mail to her over the phone, she too was perplexed and concerned by this e-mail. We had no idea what to make of it, we still don't, for that matter. We just know that it's offensive and rude and unacceptable.

I don't know why so many people in the scene think that just because they're kinky and identify with a certain role means that the rules of respect and common decency go out the window. I am much more likely to play with someone who says hi to me, and asks me how I am, and engages me in a conversation before asking me to play. And if I choose to decline, then to simply respect that. But these strangers touch me, and call me 'girl' and tell me how much they want to spank me. These people creep me out, which is why when I go out, I use the buddy system, and periodically throughout the night, my buddy changes, because I find someone to play with, or someone to hang out with while my buddy goes off and plays. However it's sad to me that I have to instate a buddy system, something I shouldn't have to use at the age of 21.

I've been trying to find the words to write about predators and the generally harmless albeit creepy people in the scene, because sadly, they are there, many people I know have had their share of encounters with them, myself included. Maymay recently wrote a very well written post about meeting people in kinky environments, and I'm glad that he wrote that post. He touched on some stuff that I've been mulling over for a while now, and between that and the rather rude e-mail I received above put some things into perspective for me.

When I am confronted with new people in the scene who ask me about how to meet people, I'm always kinda floored. My experience isn't that vast, sure, I've had some wild scenes with some great people, but my circle of friends is pretty small. I try to tell people to please be patient, and not to allow themselves to fall prey to the people who will harm them, like Exhibit A above. I tell them to use the same measuring stick that they would anyone they might meet in the vanilla world. Because the vanilla things do matter when it comes to any kind of relationship with anyone. Kinky stuff is fun, but you need a foundation made up of more than your shared love of canes and spankings for any kind of prolonged relationship.

This behavioral pattern of men, both submissive and dominant, coming up to women, and I can only assume men too, and asking if they can rub our feet or show us their toy bag without even introducing themselves to us is offensive and rude. This isn't to say that there aren't dangerous women in the scene, there are, but in my experience they tend not to be as obvious about their intentions.

It's no different to me than the men on the street who catcall at women as they walk by. They just assume that eventually one of them will take them up on their offer, but honest to goodness, if the first ten didn't show any interest, what makes them think anyone else will?

And this notion of people wanting to prove how dominant they are that they throw the basic rules of social interaction out the window is unacceptable. We no longer live in a medieval society where women are dictated by the wills of their husbands and fathers; the feminist movement happened, we burned our bras and redesigned the maxi pad and demanded the oppertunity to prove ourselves in fields outside of nursing and clerical work. And you know what? We did it too. We got out of the kitchen and we stopped making pies.

And then I go and get up this morning and mosey on downstairs to check my e-mail and I find myself reading this little gem. I'm offended that anyone would write that to anyone else, and I keep coming back to it, keep wanting to write back again. I swear, I want to do a Miss Manner's course on etiquette because quite frankly it's shameful that anyone would consider this a suitable way to introduce oneself. Absolutely shameful.

I'm sure people will roll their eyes and tell me to drop it, that it's not worth my time or energy, that there will always be people like this, and that's probably true, but just because it's true doesn't mean that it's acceptable.