Pumpkin

The world was silent.

It was as though the City had gone to sleep, and the only ones awake in the night were Adit and myself. I laid in his bed, which seemed impossibly high up off the ground. My nerves sang in a chorus as tension rippled through my body.

Our conversations and desires had brought us to this night, to the decision to do this with each other. Our leanings towards giving our friendship a twist, but staying friends all the same, something we both felt was important. And then, after a couple weeks of talking and texting, I found myself back in his bed. Still a friend and an equal, somewhere in that time, I had become the little girl to his daddy.

So there I laid in his bed, nervous and scared, the darkness was almost oppressive, like it was keeping it's own council on what it was about to lay witness to. Adit caressed my face and shoulder and breasts, laying himself down next to me and wrapping one arm around me. "Are you going to be a good girl for Daddy?" He asked. "Because I want to play a special game with you, but remember, this is a secret, you can never tell anyone that we're playing this game. Do you understand?" I nodded mutely in the dark as he slipped his hand down into the silky folds between my thighs and began kneading my clit.

The tension mounted in my chest before it began to break up inside of me like waves on a beach. I buried my face against his chest. "Now Pumpkin," he said. "I want you to touch your special place, show Daddy what you like." I tentatively reached my hand down and grazed my fingertips against my clit. "There's a good girl," he said softly in the dark before his hand replaced my own.

He began rubbing his fingers against my clit, making me gasp and moan. "Daddy," I said softly. "It feels funny." "I know it does, it's supposed to, and if you do this enough, it will feel good all over, don't you want that sweety?" He asked. "Yes Daddy," I said softly. His fingers flicked over my clit, drawing me closer and closer to the edge. "Oh, oh Daddy," I breathed softly into his chest. "Yes, come for me, come for your Daddy little girl," he breathed into my hair.

As the tension rose within me, something in me began to give way, and I slipped into Little space. I came, gasping and moaning against his hand, holding him against my sex as my hips bucked against his hand. When I finished, Adit stroked my hair and told me what a good girl I was before climbing up to kneel between my thighs. I watched him roll on a condom in the dark, while he spoke. "Now it's time for Daddy to feel good, don't you want that? For Daddy to feel good?" "Yes Daddy," I said softly. He pressed up inside of me and began thrusting into me. "Now remember, you can never tell anyone that you play these special games with Daddy, do you understand?" He asked in the darkness. A ball of wariness had settled into my stomach. "Yes Daddy," I said softly. "Such a good little girl," he breathed as he began to move faster. After a few moments of silence, he came long and hard.

He pulled out and laid down next to me. "Daddy, do other daddies play these games with their little girls?" I had asked, gazing up at the dark ceiling. "Some daddies play these games with their little girls, but only because they are special, and you must never tell anyone that we play these games because some little girls don't play these games with their daddies, and you don't want them to be sad, do you?" Adit had asked me. "No Daddy, I don't want that," I said softly.

After a few moments, I lifted my head and looked over at him. "Adit, is there something wrong with us for doing this?" I asked seriously. "No Eden, there isn't. I've spent alot of time studying sexuality, and what we did is good and beautiful. We're both consenting adults, neither of us have any interest in doing anything like that with a family member, especially an actual child. That's disgusting. This is role playing, it's different, it's okay to do this because it's not real, do you understand?" I nodded quietly, then realized he couldn't see me. "I'm nodding," I told him.

The next day I kissed Adit, and left for the City where I met up with Terra. I told her what had happened the previous night, and as I did, I began freaking out. "How did you handle this?!" I had asked desperately.

"Oh I spent a good weekend just lying in Conor's bed, I didn't really eat, just laid there. He took it just as hard as I did, he did it for me, not realizing that he would actually like it," she explained. "You're only in part 1 of your freak out though, and you'll feel like this for a good long time. And then it will come easily to you, and that will fuck with you also." "You mean there's more?" I moaned, munching on my chicken. "Yup. Pretty soon you'll be calling him 'daddy' in public without a second thought. 'Candy Land' will never be the same again. And if he's anything like my daddy, he'll make you show where you like to be touched on your teddy bear," she said matter-of-factly. "But I've had my teddy bear since I was a babe-in-arms, I can't do that!" I squealed. "I had mine since I was 4, and I did it," she said. "He's even saying that I'm gonna have to wear white underwear for him at some point, I can't do that," I said indignantly. "Next thing you know I'm gonna be wearing ruffled socks and licking one of those huge lolli-pops. This is too surreal Terra, I can't be doing this. And what makes it worse is that I liked it. I really liked it."

"You've been talking about this for a year and a half, and you finally got what you wanted. You know you're gonna do it again, don't you?" She had asked. "Yeah, I know I'm gonna do it again. And what's really gonna mess with me is that I'm gonna keep on liking it. And then the day will come when I'll be used to it. And that, well, I'll deal with that when the time comes. One step at a time, right?"

I continued to freak out over the next couple days, hiding in my nest and watching horror movies to distract me from dealing with the emotions churning inside of me until I found myself asking myself what was wrong with me. Why did I want this, why did I like it. I pushed my back up against the wall, murmuring 'no no no' over and over again. Feeling scared and alone, I texted Adit who called me several minutes later. I was upset and began yelling at him for being so calm in the face of this. I was angry that he seemed oblivious as to why I was upset. The poor dear deserves better than me sometimes, but most of the time I'm pretty good. He asked me calmly not to yell at him, and to explain to him what was wrong.

"We're role-playing incest!" I had wailed. "Incest is wrong and dirty and disgusting, what is wrong with me?! I shouldn't like this, I can't like this, I'm not a sick person! I'm sane and healthy, I'm not like those disgusting perverts who hang out in play grounds watching children! I have normal healthy desires, what is wrong with me?!" "Nothing is wrong, it's role playing, those are the key words, it's not real. Do you really think that I would be interested in my daughter? Or any child or family member for that matter?" Adit asked, his logical tone cutting into my panic. "No, of course not," I said crossly. "And I don't think you're interested in doing these things with any one in your family either," he said. "No, I'm not," I said quietly. "We aren't sick people, we are sane and healthy consenting adults role playing this. But it doesn't make us worser people for doing it, and if it really bothers you then we can stop, and we never have to do it again. I know you're frightened by this, it's okay to be, but there's nothing wrong with us for doing this, alright?" He asked. "I just feel awful, because I want to do this again, like, I really want to do this again, but I feel like there's something wrong with me. And I'm having a really hard time owning that," I said, my voice sounded strung out to me from all the anxiety. "There's nothing wrong with you Eden, it's okay to want this. You're safe with me, I'm not gonna let you fall, it's okay," he said. He joked with me a little bit, and I laughed, and we got off the phone a few minutes later with his insistences that I call him no matter what if I had any further problems.

I felt a little better after the phone call, but my emotions still sat in the pit of my stomach, and I worried and wondered about what my next step would be. I'm still not sure what that step is, but I do know I'm seeing Adit soon. I'm wearing my overalls and a t-shirt. I'm learning how to own my new found fetish, it's not easy. It's really fucking hard, actually. But in it's own strange way, it works for me.

Rage

I came to the leather scene when I was 18, two weeks after my 18th birthday, I wandered into my first TES meeting, and never really wandered out. I had the crappy abusive relationship that all guppy subs seem to have to have before they get to the good stuff in the scene. I met people and made friends. I'm very lucky to have met the people I have, to have had the opportunity to make friends within my community. Of course, when I first came to TES, I had no idea that TNG existed. In fact it would be about two years before I was taken to a meeting, where I met Terra, my leather sister and best friend. Ironically the meeting I first went to was run by one of the founders of the TNG movement, but that's another story.

This story, I'm sorry to say, is steeped in rage.

I often tell people that my best friend when dealing with the community is the buddy system. And people laugh, I even laugh, but the truth is I utilize the buddy system because I don't feel safe in my own community. I don't feel that I can go to a party, or any other kind of kinky event alone because I get hit on constantly and obviously by creepy men who have no concept of personal space or finesse. Men who get all up in my junk because at 21, I still look like a 16 year old girl. And you know what? It sucks. It sucks that I don't feel like I can go out and enjoy my own community and feel safe. And I am outraged by this.

I'm not the same girl I was when I came to the scene, in the time that I've been here, I've learned how to stand up for myself. I've evolved into a heavy bottom, and I'm smart about it. I have rules, very strict rules that govern who I play with and how I play with them. I don't deviate from my rules. I had a scene that went bad a while back. I'm not blaming anyone, it's just that I had medical staples in my chest, and we couldn't find the staple remover, so we wound up having to remove them using pliers. It was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced in a scene. I've learned that the most painful things that happen to me during a scene are never intentional. And one of these aforementioned creepy men, who shall remain nameless showed up and was watching this like it was some hot amazing scene. And I looked at him, already in an intense amount of pain and said loudly and firmly that he needed to go away because I couldn't deal with him.

Or at the Pirate Party a while back, I did my first single tail scene. I was whacked out of my gourd on endorphins and adrenaline and feeling more than a little bit fragile. My top had gone to get some water for us, and this man saw me sitting there topless and staring off into space. He came over and actually had the audacity to touch me, I don't even remember what he wanted, all I registered was a threat. I said as loudly as I could "Get your hands off of me!" He backed away quickly, and I was grateful when my top came back.

I'm tired of these men who really need to stop using the same tired old 'Wanna look at my toy bag?' line. I'm tired of having to literally hug the wall on my way to the ladies after a scene, because chances are I'm still naked and probably more than a little bit spacey. It's like those construction workers who constantly hit on women on the streets, catcalling and yelling sexual comments at these women. They never seem to change their tact, they seem to think that eventually it will work in their favor. It's the same thing in the scene, the same sad, pathetic, terrifying approach is used time after time on whoever their target is. You think they'd get the clue.

I've told Terra that I want to teach a Miss Manners class, and she continues to remind me that I will in all likelihood get up there and revert to my Jersey girl nature and spaz out and start ranting for an hour and a half solid at these people about why they can't get anyone to play with them. Us Jersey girls play dirty sometimes, Aimee speculates that it's something in the air that comes to us by way of Refinery Row and the Pulaski Skyway. Personally I've always said that it's something in the water.

But the point is is that this has to stop, I desperately want to be able to go to a party on my own, or maybe meet people there and get there early and not feel obligated to stand outside in the dark street because I would rather take my chances getting mugged than having to deal with people who never learned the concept of personal space.

It seems to me that these behaviors are so common that they are accepted and tolerated by the rest of the scene. Now, I know that my paltry three and a half years doesn't come close to some of my friends' time spent in the scene, so I might be missing some really big piece of the puzzle here, but why is this tolerated? Why are these people just accepted and ignored?

There seems to be a new strain of classes about how to get people to play with you. It seems odd to me that we need classes on common sense things. I think it's idiotic that people need to pay some small fee to be told to act how they would in a vanilla situation. I just want to understand this. I want to work towards a better community for everyone. I can't be the only one who wants this, but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who wonders why this is, and tries to figure out how it can be changed.

I don't know, I've only been here for so long. And my so long is really very limited. Maybe I don't know something everyone else does. But if we all know the same things, then why isn't anything being done to change it? My goal here is not to offend, it's to learn, to understand why things are the way they are. It's to help stop people from being hurt, to bring people into our folds instead of turning them away. There are so many wonderful people in our folds. There are wonderful people from age 18 up through 110 and beyond. Truly lovely people who are worth your time and energy and love and trust. They are people who can teach you things, and learn from you as well. I know they can be found, because I found them, they are my friends. But I also know that I had to drag myself through countless leering stares and bad pick-up lines. I had my bad relationship with an abusive man, who I later discovered had a pattern to go with it. I know that I wasn't the only one.

I want things to change so that people can come to our community and see that everyone is worth their time and energy and affections, and that they don't have to sift through the predators and creeps to find the diamonds in the rough. Everyone should be a diamond. There's no reason why it should be a mix of coal and gems. No reason at all.

So why tolerate the predators?

Kinklets TNG

So a couple friends of mine are doing out-reach to TNG-aged people (i.e. people between the ages of 18-35) in the New York City area, as a way of helping to build a stronger BDSM community. You know, a sort of 'we are the future' type thing. They're doing this as a way to bring together all of the TNG aged people in an attempt to bond through vanilla activities. And anyone over the age of 35 can attend as long as they are being brought as a guest by someone of TNG age. Go check out their blog.

Here is the information that they have been sending around every where, you may have seen it:

Hey TNG-ers!!!

Monet and I are TNG-ers and we are planning a trip to the Bronx Zoo on Saturday, May 24th for TNG-ers and their guests! And we would love it if ya'll could join us! We will be meeting at Columbus Circle (west side entrance to Central Park) by the fountain, and taking the #2 train up to the Bronx Zoo. It costs $15 per person for admittance to the zoo, and bring money for food and transportation, or you can bring a bagged lunch!

We will be standing by the fountain, I will be wearing my leather pride shirt, and Monet will be wearing something similar! We will also have a sign with us, so just look for the TNG sign!! We will be meeting at 11:00am, and leaving for the zoo at 12 noon. We are looking forward to seeing all a ya'll there, and we hope you can join us!!!!

HAH!

I am finally satisfied with how my blog finally looks. It is really hard to find a nice, simple, garden themed template. But I finally did it. And now I can finally stop obsessing over the damned thing. I'm also going to get back to blogging, the last couple of months were crazy because I was busy finishing up school. But now I'm a college graduate (go me!), so I can breath a little easier now and work on the back entries of smut I want to write for ya'll. But right now I'm going to go outside and work on my actual garden. I'm growing tomatoes this summer! And that makes me happy.

The Precious

At 4 in the morning, I decided to call it a night. My friend Brian's play party had melted into debates about the existence of instinct from a biological perspective. Which is a really intense conversation to have at 4 in the morning. Marilyn and I climbed into Brian's bed, and curled in on him, wrapping our bodies to his own. Marilyn looked across at me in the dark, and I looked back at her as she began to lick at Brian's nipples, and I followed suit. His moans filled the room as my hand trailed down his chest and pushed aside the waistband on his underwear.

I gripped his cock in my hand and began stroking him, his moans intensifying. I began shedding clothes at some point, my hoodie followed by my shirt until I finally threw off my pants. Brian removed his underwear and my head dissapeared under the covers while he and Marilyn kissed. I licked and sucked at his hard cock while rocking my hand against his perineum. Marilyn joined me a moment later and took over. I came up for air and once again took up my post at his nipples, kissing him intermittently.

We each took our turn in the middle, and when I found myself in the hot seat, Brian and Marilyn went to work on my nipples while Brian fingered my clit, making me gasp and moan. I brought my hands up to grip the headboard as I came.

Marylin took her place in the middle, and Brian got her off while I nibbled on her nipples. Then we pushed Brian onto his back, and Marilyn settled between his thighs while I settled myself over his face. We struggled to sync ourselves up, and when we slid into that sweet spot, I sighed with contentment, Brian moaning and licking beneath me.

"Do we have a condom?" Someone asked. "Shit, I'm out," Brian said in the dark. "I didn't think I'd be getting laid tonight, so I didn't think to get more. Ummm, someone go find one." "I'll go and find one, and by that I mean I'll go look in my bag," Marilyn said, pulling on her skirt and rushing out of the room. Brian and I sat in silence for a few minutes and Marilyn came back in. "I don't have any, should I go ask if someone has one?" She asked. "Yeah, go ask," Brian said, and she left the room again. After a few more minutes she came back in. "I got one, but it's a magnum," she said. "Doesn't matter," I said intensely, aware of the stupidity of my logic as I said it. "It's a condom, we can make it work, we're kinky, we make things work all the time."

"Brian, I don't want to get fucked tonight, you can fuck Eden," Marilyn said. "Then can I go down on you while I'm getting fucked? I haven't had pussy since my birthday, and that was in July." "But I've never done that with a girl, besides, I don't see how it would work," she said. "It's just like with a guy, except I'm a girl. And if you lie on your back in front of me, I can go down on you while Brian fucks me from behind, mmkay?" I said, getting up on all fours. "Oh, okay," she said, settling herself in front of me as Brian rolled on our one precious condom.

I buried my face between her thighs and began licking and sucking while Brian fucked me from behind, slapping my ass and riding my hips. Eventually Marilyn decided she had had enough, and I rolled onto my back while Brian continued fucking me. I gasped and moaned as he fucked me, my muscles contracting around his cock as he thrust up into me. Brian came a few moments later, and collapsed onto the bed next to us.

Eventually we fell asleep in a piled up heap, and slept well into the next morning. It was a lovely party, to say the least.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Some of you may have noticed my. . . . discontent with how my blog looks, I'm working on it, and I'm hoping once I get this image loaded I will finally be satisfied with how it looks. In the meantime, I will be keeping up with the smut as I have much to share with ya'll. So thanks and enjoy!

Breath

It was so quiet. In the very early hours of the morning, when neither of us had found sleep. His party had tapered off into nothing. The world was silent as he slammed me up against a wall. Pushing my pants down over my hips and pulling my shirt off over my head. He grabbed my hair and drove me back against the wall several times, hard.

He pushed me down across his bed. Wrenching me into position with a hand in my hair. He tied my wrists to his headboard, a few moments passed before I felt something hot and liquid land on my bare skin. The wax kissed my breasts and belly as he moved the candle along my body. After a while, I ventured to open my eyes, and I gazed up into his face, the flame lighting his features. I found myself getting lost in his eyes, the intensity of his concentration running like an electric current throughout my body.

Soon he put aside the candle, and kissed me, gently, exploring. His hand ran along my torso, rolling my nipples between his finger tips. His hand slowly, tentatively ran down to the dark thatch of hair between my thighs, pressing up against my clit. His fingers danced, and my breathe quickened. He drew his hand away and took up the knife.

He began to slowly, methodically cut away at the wax from my body. I laid there, gazing up at him; it was as though I was witnessing the rapture. I was aware of the intense silence. As though the world were holding it's breath. When he was satisfied, he untied me, and we laid there, and snuggled up close and talked to one another. In time I gathered myself together and went to find a place to sleep among the bodies in his living room.

Sometime in the hours of the morning, while we slept, the world began to breath again.