I was in a book store recently, browsing the shelves before I had to saunter off to work a few blocks away. I wandered in between the aisles, through the bargain books, on into fiction, down through biology and up into history. Eventually I found myself in the section on sexuality. My eyes skimmed over the titles, I wasn't terribly interested in the books. Mostly revised versions of the 'Kama Sutra', and other books on positions. I've given up on elaborate positions, getting off is already hard enough with having to worry about my aching knees or the muscles burning in my back from the strain.
My eye was caught by a book, and I picked it up, and read the back of it. 'Working Sex: Sex Workers Write About a Changing Industry', was the title. And as I began to read it, I fell inside of it. Because it was exactly what I had been looking for for the longest time. Now, I'm not a sex worker, I can't offer you views on that because I have no experience in that arena, but what struck me about this book was the actual stories, not the money that exchanged hands, but the men and women who had these experiences. I feel like we never hear from sex workers because they get pushed down so often, but I think that their voices need to be heard.
I often think of one of Eve Ensler's monologues from 'The Vagina Monologues' titled 'I was twelve. My mother slapped me,' when I think of sex. Because in her intro she says that when she interviewed women about their periods, their stories began to show similarities and patterns in their experiences.
I believe that the same thing applies to sex.
I believe this because when we start to tell our stories, similarities begin to shine through. Love, hate, need, passion, fear, desperation, happiness, joy, elation, fun, healing, and so much more. When we begin to talk about our experiences, we weave together a cloth full of stories that have many different feelings and meanings attached to them.
When I began blogging, I wanted to write about my stories and experiences, I had thoughts and opinions that I wanted to share with the world. But it was never really my intent to write erotica. I wanted to get past the smut, because I honestly believe that sex impacts our lives. I took a guy's virginity last year, how do you think that effected him? How did it effect me? I also fisted a girl for the first time, her first time getting successfully fisted, what about that?
After Jefferson got back from Camp last year, I showed up on his door step with my strap-on, and that night he straddled me, pressing my dildo up into his ass. And we cried and I held him and told him that I had him, that I would never let him fall, and he kept saying over and over again 'I know, I know' while we wept. I think about that sometimes, about the fact that the night that we did that, I did not get turned on, not like I usually do. What transpired between us went so much deeper than sex. Lying there, staring up at him, I felt submissive in a way I hadn't felt in a long time. Deep down inside of my soul something vibrated, and it broke and reformed. Something inside of me had changed, had healed.
So I'm sure you can understand why it frustrates me when I hear people talking about how sex is evil and wrong. How can something be evil and wrong when it has effected so many lives so deeply, for better or for worse? I have friendships with people that I met at orgies, these are people that I talk about music and movies and relationships and everything else with. Back in March I e-mailed Jefferson about an afternoon of casual sex and we've been friends ever since. Sex brings people together, after all it takes two to tango, three can be company, and the more the merrier.
Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for the people of this world who have chosen to be celibate for one reason or another. I was celibate for 13 months once, and I applaude the people who have done it successfully. But it's not for me, I can't imagine it's for most people. No, my issue lies with the people who try to erase their sex drives, and encourage other people to do the same, the people who tell boys their penis' will fall off if they masturbate, or the circumcision of girls in Africa, or the people who try to 'reprogram' gay men and lesbian women to fit into their concept of what people should really be, instead of what they actually are, which is human.
I feel like some people have lost sight of the bigger picture, so I'm writing this in attempt to make the bigger picture a little bit clearer. To try to erase some of the tarnish that sex has somehow accumulated over the years, and let's face it, those are some pretty substantial years. The people that I've talked to about sex have told me some of the most incredible stories, and I'm so pleased that they entrusted me to be one of the keepers of their tales. When they tell me these stories I hear wistful longing and unfinished business in their voices, I hear regret and pain, and joy, I hear people giggling like they were children again, on rare occasions I've witnessed tears, goodness knows I'm shedding them now, as I write this.
I will probably never understand why some people have such close minded views on sex. I can't help but wonder who hurt them so badly that they decided it was acceptable to destroy one of the pillars of healthy human development. I can only hope that they can find it in themselves to let go and try to heal, to try to see that they are safe and sound now.
Because in an era when we are confronted with AIDS and a host of other STDs, many treatable, others not, with teen pregnancies and botched abortions, where men, women, and children and members of the LGBT community face horrible indecencies, you'd think that more people would be willing to open their eyes and see the full magnitude of what is happening.
It seems like everyone is preaching abstinence, but human beings on a base physical level are wired to want to have sex; it's biological destiny. I would think that knowing what we know now, we would make more of an effort to inform people about birth control and the importance of using protection when having sexual relations. We need to stop trying to be perfect images of control, no man is a god, and no woman is a goddess, we are all human beings, no better and no worse than anyone else. Human beings cannot afford to let hubris win over common sense. The more people know about sex, the better off the whole human race will be.
I honestly don't know how to conclude this post, because if I'm not saying it, then somebody else is. There is no real way to end something like this, it will keep going on, long after I press the 'publish' button below my little window here. So I'm just going to leave it at that and hope that maybe some good will come of this.
